What does that mean to be Present?
One more step. Intention. Focus. Presence. No ego. I'll make it this time. When I put my foot on the soft, wet ground, I will be there, present, connected. There is so much noise around. I know for sure I won't be able to fully capture this moment, with all my senses activated all together, at the same time. My mind, my sixth sense, is also there and wants to play. My ego is not far off and will take any opportunity to participate.
What can I do better to be more Present? Should I close my eyes? I doubt myself. I get nervous. My foot is already on the ground and, again, the moment is gone. I know I was not there, that I have lost it, again. Where was it? Where did it have to be? I have no clue. Next time I put my foot down, I'll be there. I pledge. I will slow time. I will go as slow as my body allows me, without losing balance.
I have done this practice thousands of times. I love it. Kind of meditation. Walking. Step. By. Step. Here. And. Now. After years of intense practice, I still feel that I have to discover, to learn, to let go. I have so much to forget. Something deep inside tells me that this is because I want to feel rather than just … Feel.
Today, I will do it differently. I kindly ask my ego and analytical mind to step aside, sit down for a while to rest, observe, and leave me alone, just for a moment. I don't want to feel anymore. I want to dream, to play, to imagine.
I close my eyes. Actually, I don't even know anymore. I look up and see the trees that are thrown towards the Sky, to play with the clouds. I look around and everything changed in an instant. Trees playing with birds, with clouds. Leaves dancing up and down, in whirlwinds. Magic. Pure magic. I was no longer in me, in my mind, in my body. I don't remember what I was doing, but my feet connected to the ground, like roots, were part of it all. I was also playing, but I didn't know. I was not aware. I was just playing. I was becoming a tree, one of them. I was becoming One.
And there, in the distance, She was crying. A being of light in the dark. I knew this scene, I had lived it thousands of times, since I was a child, in my dreams. Those images that built my own history and remain there, unconscious, to appear when they consider it appropriate. And they come back, over and over again, until I fix it. Until I understand what is so important for me to know. These have been my dreams, for years. I think I have never dared to listen to that voice that spoke to me, that instinct, that something that was present. Deep inside me, I knew the answer. I have never paid much attention to my instincts, it did not suit my rational mind. Too risky. But today, I wanted to release control. I listened to it. And it is the same as always, that pushes me again and again towards the same thing, towards me, towards Her.
The Earth is crying. Not because we hurt Her. She was there long before us, and She will be there long after. But She can't understand why we want to leave. That was so perfect. Things change, always. She knows that. She's lived with Impermanence since the first day.
But not that way. Not that way. And She asks me, in a whisper, to do my best. All that I can do.
Here and now.